Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Ocean Saga (A trip I hope I never relive)

What should have been a wonderful getaway filled with fun in the sun ended up leaving me never wanting to go back to the coast again.

So on Saturday we loaded up our 3 kids in the car. We had Jay's daughter Bryanna, Aniah, and Logan strapped in the back seat and we were so excited to get there. Especially since neither girls had ever been to the beach and his daughter had no clue where we were going. We were followed there by my inlaws who also had Jay's nephew Elijah. So off to Mustang Island State Park in Port Aransas we went. We got there and let me tell you when they said it was supposed to be windy that day they were not lying. It was super windy and also because of the drought the sand was super sandy instead of it being nicely packed. We spent the day having tons of fun. The kids loved the water and spent the whole day in it or making sand castles near by. Only Logan did not like the water so we kept him in the tent that Jay had put up that morning. Everything was wonderful. That is until it was time to go.
Jay looked at me and said "I think I screwed up real bad." I immediately thought he some how ruined the tent which we borrowed from his uncle but nope that wasn't it. Apparently he left his keys in his shorts and had gone swimming in the ocean. At that moment I knew we were in trouble. You see when I bought my car they only gave me one set of keys and we had found out that it would cost me over $100 dollars to get another one made because it was a transponder key. Basically it is a key made only for my car because it has a microchip in it. That was years ago when we found that out and since we didn't have the money at the time we just forgot about it.

I called road side assistant who said that they could get someone out there to make me a new key. I talked to the guy and he said yes he could do it all he had to do was break open my steering wheel column and read the numbers off of that. Then an hour later he said he couldn't do it because he realized my car was one of the few that had to actually go to the dealership for it to be scanned and synched to a key. He said he could do it if I had a key code. WTH? I called around and could not find it. No one could find it! But someone did find a copy of my key that was never given to me. So they said I could have it as long as I could have someone go and get it from them and possibly take it down to me. Mind you if you don't know the area Mustang Island is almost 3 hours away from San Antonio. Jay's uncle ultimately agreed to make the drive. By this time it is past 6 and I got another company to unlock my car door so I could get carseats out of it and sent the kids home with my inlaws. So only Jay and I were left. At around 8:30 we talked to his uncle to see where he was at and his uncle informed us that he had gotten a flat on the way to us. He got back on the road and got to us close to 10 pm. By this time it is competely dark outside and the beach is desolate, we are sitting in the car, and I have to admit I was scared. There were signs everywhere saying Beware of snakes. And I knew that they had coyotes in the area. Being pregnant I had to pee and there were only port a potty's that were nasty during the day and I had to use them at night in the freaking dark. UGH and NASTY!
His uncle finally gets there we are getting excited to finaly know we are going home. I put the key in the ignition and my air and radio come on, headlights come on , but the freaking key WILL NOT turn on my stupid engine. We looked it up on my phone and it said that perhaps that key was never programmed. So ultimately we had to spent the night on the beach, in the parking lot, in my car, because his uncle had already planned on going night fishing. I did cry that night. Here I am nearly 6 months pregnant, hormonal as it is, I am scared, it is dark and dammit I had to pee again! In the port a potty at night, in the dark. I have never felt as disgusting as I did that night. I was in my wet clothes, covered in sand, even my teeth had sand in them.

Sunday morning we finally went home. We couldn't do anything anyways to the car until at least Monday because the dealership was closed and Jay had to go to work that morning. So on Monday morning I call around and yes I have to have my car towed to a dealership to make the damn key. So I talk to the dealership and spoke to a guy named Billy in service who said that they were open Monday - Friday from 8-7 pm. So I told him what happened and he said that they would take care of me and that they were there til 7.

My mother in law was nice enough to drive me and the kids back to Mustang Island. We finally get there and at 1:45 roadside assistance said that they had contacted a towing company and it would be there around 3:15. 3:15 came and went and no tow truck. So i called and they assured me he was still on his way. They said it would be there in about 10 minutes a few minutes later I get a call back saying that they are very sorry but the truck that was on it's way had broken down with a broken water hose on the way to help me! Really?! They dispatched another company who was to be there by 4:30.
At this point I call the dealership and talk to Billy and told him that I was trying to get a tow truck to help me and that he should be on his way. I told him that I understood they closed at 7, like he told me before, but that I wanted to know what was the absolute latest time I could get it there so they could work on my car. He responded with "Ma'am my techinicians leave at 5 for the day so it will have to be done tomorrow." I was in disbelief. I reminded him that he told me several times that they were there til 7 and he said yes they were there to accept my car but they only work on cars til 5. Like seriously he couldn't have flipping told me that before I came all this way. He knew I was coming from San Antonio. Anyway the tow truck did not make it there until 6:15. I got it to the dealership at 6:45.

That night we stayed in a nasty motel that as my mother in law described even the roaches wouldn't stay there. The room smelled musty and had another gross smell in the air. Their was a used bar of soap in the shower and the shower had grime from whoever used it last. The beds were half made, their were no phones, no alarms, no blow dryers, we had a lamp in the room that did not work, and a TV remote that did not even go with the TV in the room. Yeah it was paradise. By now Logan is super dirty he spilled something all over his white shirt and I had not packed any extra clothes. We had to go to HEB and out to eat and he looked like a homeless boy. Had we had an empty can and put him in the front of the grocery store no doubt people would have put money in it. NOTE TO SELF: NEVER EVER JUDGE OTHER PEOPLE AND THEIR KIDS BY THE WAY THEY ARE DRESSED OR ARE DIRTY.

The next morning I got a call saying that my keys were finally made. HALLELUJAH! So that is my nighmare of a vacation that was only supposed to be a day trip to the beach.

You may wonder if I was pissed at my husband and the answer is NO. I wasn't even mad at the whole situation more saddened, worried, and annoyed. I learned a lot from this trip.

1) After losing a child it takes a lot for me to think something is soooooo bad.
2) That even though I did not know how I would get through it I knew that God would get us through it because he always does.
3) It made me think that things could have always been worse. No one died, no one was injured, everyone was safe.
and the final thought that I was left with is this.....

How many times do we hear that someone died in a freak accident? We ask our selves why do bad things happen and why do so many bad things happen all at once, but I have to ask myself these people that die what if something bad like a car being stuck on the beach had happened to them. Would they still be alive? They say that God works in mysterious ways, maybe you never know, it was his way of preventing something truly tragic from happening.

Either way I am glad to be safely at home in my bed with the sounds of my husband cooking in the kitchen and my children's laugther coming out of their bedroom. I am lucky to be home and relieved that this whole ordeal is over.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Hope on the Horizon

Every day I wake up and my angel Kimberly June is the first thing on my mind. It's so weird how far I have come. How easy it comes to me being an angel mom now a days. I no longer think how could this have happened to me, or why, or am in shock that this is my life. I have come to terms with it. I have learned to accept that I am a mother to an angel and that one day I will hold her again.

I love my little girl with all of my heart. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her or wonder what she would have looked like now. The only difference is that I don't cry every time I think of her. My heart no longer shatters into a million pieces each and every time. I feel stronger and feel lucky to have her as my daughter even though I can't have her physically here with me. I am proud of my angel. Just like any other parent would be proud of their earthly children. I feel as if though my daughter must have done something so great in heaven for God to acknowledge that she did not have to come here to earth to be tested, to endure pain. Earth was made for the sole purpose of us proving ourselves worthy to come back to him and she did not have to do that. So I know she is and always will be too special for earth. She is my angel, my own piece of heaven.

I came across her pictures the other day and I found myself crying and hurting. I have learned that for my own sake I shy away from looking at her pictures. Now that is just too hard for me. One day I am hopeful that I will get there. That I will be able to see them and see past the pain of that day. But each time I see them all I see is pain and hurt and lives shattered.

So as far as I have come I still have things to work on. Who knows how long it will take or if I will ever be truly okay. One day though I hope to get there. I am a firm believer that I have to try to heal my heart. My daughter feels no pain, only joy in heaven, so why would she want me to go through life grieving her loss. I would give my own life to make sure that my children were forever safe and I know that she is in a place that even I could never give her. My loss was her gain. So I must learn to tarry on.

Yes I am starting to feel stronger. I may never be the same, but I have come to understand that I never want to go back to that place anyway. I have learned so much through this journey. I have learned more about myself in the past couple of years than I had my entire adult life. I am better for it and I am grateful for the blessings in my life. Life is so much better when you can stop and really smell the roses and take in all the beauty that is too often hidden from the rest of the world. I do believe that I see hope on the horizon.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Feeling blue, is easy to do, when your baby's in Heaven

So many things are rushing through my head these days. I have so much on my plate right now and it seems like I just don't know how to even cope or where to begin.

Kimberly's 2nd birthday in Heaven is fast approaching and I find myself falling apart. I am scared to give in to the feeling. Scared that I will once again shatter into a million different pieces all at once. I hate that feeling. I miss my little girl more than I can ever express. No amount of words can capture the depth of my hurt. I more than anything want to see my little angel. I want to have her safely in my arms and I just can't. Why? Why me? Why my little girl? Why was I chosen to walk this journey. Time is supposed to ease the pain and it does, but then there are times like this when all of a sudden it hits you like a ton of bricks and sets you back to square one.

Sometimes I feel so alone. In a world filled with real people, with real voices surrounding me, I still find myself feeling like I am standing in a world all by myself. A world surrounded in grief and pain beyond measure. I know I seem like I am in the real world, at least to the outside world, but I truly am not. I function in my own world. I am trying at times to pull myself out of this darkness and I often get glimpses of light only to eventually be thrown back in. I feel like I have this cloud hanging over my very existence. It looms over me and embraces me into it's gloomy air.

I feel trapped at this moment and all I want is my little girl back.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Life Before Death

So earlier today we were going through pictures on my computer and I noticed that I find it very hard to look at pictures of anytime before I had my Kimberly. One in particular stood out. It was taken on my birthday almost 3 months before I had Kimberly. I looked at it and saw a picture of someone that I did not recognize anymore. At first I couldn't see exactly what it was that stood out and then it hit was all in the eyes. The woman I saw in that image was one who had not known pain. There was no pain in her eyes. No lines around the eyes formed from all the endless nights of crying. No bags from all of the sleepless nights. Nothing. The one I saw was full of hope, happy, truly happy. I wish I could go back to that time. Go back to that happiness before pain touched those eyes. Now I look at myself and see that I really am just a shell of a person that I used to be. Maybe now for the better yet the hurt and suffering have left me worn, torn, and definitely without the full happiness that I can never get back.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Sleep Peacefully My Sweet Kimberly June

"Star Light Star Bright I wish I may I wish I might have this wish I wish tonight...."

Without hesitation I wish for my life to be different, complete, and that the nightmare that I have been living in to give way to a sleepless night full of cries and my daughter's babbling sounds.

Tuesday March 31, 2009-The last time that I was ever whole.

I remember this Tuesday like it was yesterday. My husband Jay, my daughter Aniah and I went shopping in the later part of the afternoon at WalMart. We were eagerly looking around at baby things and the Easter Baskets. We were so excited that in just 3 more days we would be able to finally look upon the face of our newborn baby. A baby that we had anticipated for 9 very long months. We walked for hours and shopped a bit, my pregnant belly begging me to stop for awhile but I ignored the achiness and continued on because I knew that once our newest child arrived I wouldn't have the time to get anything done. I was dead tired by the end our shopping spree, my feet so swollen from all of the walking and still I did not take a break.

After our shopping we went to eat at Schlotsky's and as I got out of the car I saw a dead baby rattlesnake. It was so tiny and little and I remember thinking how sad that it never had a chance to live life to it's fullest. Little did I know that the baby rattlesnake would be a prelude into what would happen in our own lives in a few hours. We ate and this particular night our baby was extremely active, more so than normal. I could feel our baby kick over and over again in waves.

Later that night once we were home I finally snuggled into bed. Working feverishly on my first baby blanket that I felt compelled to make. I was trying to make sure that it would be ready in time for our baby's big arrival on Friday. That night I remember feeling excited and scared at the same time. I was scheduled for my C-Section for Friday morning and I was apprehensive about having to undergo major surgery again. Honestly I was scared that something bad would happen and that I would die, but I chalked up all of those emotions to my pregnancy hormones that were shooting through the roof it felt like. That night I went to bed well after midnight and it didn't occur to me that I had not felt our baby move right at the strike of midnight as had been our nightly ritual. I will always wonder if I had paid more attention to it would I have realized that something was wrong and could my baby have been saved if I had done something about it.

Wednesday April 1, 2009 - "...The moment that a mother finds out that her child has died is one that she will never forget. Time stood still, my heart stopped beating, and a big part of me died with her. No words can describe the feelings of looking down at your baby and seeing a sleeping angel. Even though you don't want to remember that day you never want to forget. Every moment, every detail, every tear is etched in your heart forever..."