Life Before Death

So earlier today we were going through pictures on my computer and I noticed that I find it very hard to look at pictures of anytime before I had my Kimberly. One in particular stood out. It was taken on my birthday almost 3 months before I had Kimberly. I looked at it and saw a picture of someone that I did not recognize anymore. At first I couldn't see exactly what it was that stood out and then it hit me....it was all in the eyes. The woman I saw in that image was one who had not known pain. There was no pain in her eyes. No lines around the eyes formed from all the endless nights of crying. No bags from all of the sleepless nights. Nothing. The one I saw was full of hope, happy, truly happy. I wish I could go back to that time. Go back to that happiness before pain touched those eyes. Now I look at myself and see that I really am just a shell of a person that I used to be. Maybe now for the better yet the hurt and suffering have left me worn, torn, and definitely without the full happiness that I can never get back.

Sleep Peacefully My Sweet Kimberly June

"Star Light Star Bright I wish I may I wish I might have this wish I wish tonight...."

Without hesitation I wish for my life to be different, complete, and that the nightmare that I have been living in to give way to a sleepless night full of cries and my daughter's babbling sounds.

Tuesday March 31, 2009-The last time that I was ever whole.

I remember this Tuesday like it was yesterday. My husband Jay, my daughter Aniah and I went shopping in the later part of the afternoon at WalMart. We were eagerly looking around at baby things and the Easter Baskets. We were so excited that in just 3 more days we would be able to finally look upon the face of our newborn baby. A baby that we had anticipated for 9 very long months. We walked for hours and shopped a bit, my pregnant belly begging me to stop for awhile but I ignored the achiness and continued on because I knew that once our newest child arrived I wouldn't have the time to get anything done. I was dead tired by the end our shopping spree, my feet so swollen from all of the walking and still I did not take a break.

After our shopping we went to eat at Schlotsky's and as I got out of the car I saw a dead baby rattlesnake. It was so tiny and little and I remember thinking how sad that it never had a chance to live life to it's fullest. Little did I know that the baby rattlesnake would be a prelude into what would happen in our own lives in a few hours. We ate and this particular night our baby was extremely active, more so than normal. I could feel our baby kick over and over again in waves.

Later that night once we were home I finally snuggled into bed. Working feverishly on my first baby blanket that I felt compelled to make. I was trying to make sure that it would be ready in time for our baby's big arrival on Friday. That night I remember feeling excited and scared at the same time. I was scheduled for my C-Section for Friday morning and I was apprehensive about having to undergo major surgery again. Honestly I was scared that something bad would happen and that I would die, but I chalked up all of those emotions to my pregnancy hormones that were shooting through the roof it felt like. That night I went to bed well after midnight and it didn't occur to me that I had not felt our baby move right at the strike of midnight as had been our nightly ritual. I will always wonder if I had paid more attention to it would I have realized that something was wrong and could my baby have been saved if I had done something about it.


Wednesday April 1, 2009 - "...The moment that a mother finds out that her child has died is one that she will never forget. Time stood still, my heart stopped beating, and a big part of me died with her. No words can describe the feelings of looking down at your baby and seeing a sleeping angel. Even though you don't want to remember that day you never want to forget. Every moment, every detail, every tear is etched in your heart forever..."