"Star Light Star Bright I wish I may I wish I might have this wish I wish tonight...."
Without hesitation I wish for my life to be different, complete, and that the nightmare that I have been living in to give way to a sleepless night full of cries and my daughter's babbling sounds.
Tuesday March 31, 2009-The last time that I was ever whole.
I remember this Tuesday like it was yesterday. My husband Jay, my daughter Aniah and I went shopping in the later part of the afternoon at WalMart. We were eagerly looking around at baby things and the Easter Baskets. We were so excited that in just 3 more days we would be able to finally look upon the face of our newborn baby. A baby that we had anticipated for 9 very long months. We walked for hours and shopped a bit, my pregnant belly begging me to stop for awhile but I ignored the achiness and continued on because I knew that once our newest child arrived I wouldn't have the time to get anything done. I was dead tired by the end our shopping spree, my feet so swollen from all of the walking and still I did not take a break.
After our shopping we went to eat at Schlotsky's and as I got out of the car I saw a dead baby rattlesnake. It was so tiny and little and I remember thinking how sad that it never had a chance to live life to it's fullest. Little did I know that the baby rattlesnake would be a prelude into what would happen in our own lives in a few hours. We ate and this particular night our baby was extremely active, more so than normal. I could feel our baby kick over and over again in waves.
Later that night once we were home I finally snuggled into bed. Working feverishly on my first baby blanket that I felt compelled to make. I was trying to make sure that it would be ready in time for our baby's big arrival on Friday. That night I remember feeling excited and scared at the same time. I was scheduled for my C-Section for Friday morning and I was apprehensive about having to undergo major surgery again. Honestly I was scared that something bad would happen and that I would die, but I chalked up all of those emotions to my pregnancy hormones that were shooting through the roof it felt like. That night I went to bed well after midnight and it didn't occur to me that I had not felt our baby move right at the strike of midnight as had been our nightly ritual. I will always wonder if I had paid more attention to it would I have realized that something was wrong and could my baby have been saved if I had done something about it.
Wednesday April 1, 2009 - "...The moment that a mother finds out that her child has died is one that she will never forget. Time stood still, my heart stopped beating, and a big part of me died with her. No words can describe the feelings of looking down at your baby and seeing a sleeping angel. Even though you don't want to remember that day you never want to forget. Every moment, every detail, every tear is etched in your heart forever..."