Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Hope on the Horizon

Every day I wake up and my angel Kimberly June is the first thing on my mind. It's so weird how far I have come. How easy it comes to me being an angel mom now a days. I no longer think how could this have happened to me, or why, or am in shock that this is my life. I have come to terms with it. I have learned to accept that I am a mother to an angel and that one day I will hold her again.

I love my little girl with all of my heart. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her or wonder what she would have looked like now. The only difference is that I don't cry every time I think of her. My heart no longer shatters into a million pieces each and every time. I feel stronger and feel lucky to have her as my daughter even though I can't have her physically here with me. I am proud of my angel. Just like any other parent would be proud of their earthly children. I feel as if though my daughter must have done something so great in heaven for God to acknowledge that she did not have to come here to earth to be tested, to endure pain. Earth was made for the sole purpose of us proving ourselves worthy to come back to him and she did not have to do that. So I know she is and always will be too special for earth. She is my angel, my own piece of heaven.

I came across her pictures the other day and I found myself crying and hurting. I have learned that for my own sake I shy away from looking at her pictures. Now that is just too hard for me. One day I am hopeful that I will get there. That I will be able to see them and see past the pain of that day. But each time I see them all I see is pain and hurt and lives shattered.

So as far as I have come I still have things to work on. Who knows how long it will take or if I will ever be truly okay. One day though I hope to get there. I am a firm believer that I have to try to heal my heart. My daughter feels no pain, only joy in heaven, so why would she want me to go through life grieving her loss. I would give my own life to make sure that my children were forever safe and I know that she is in a place that even I could never give her. My loss was her gain. So I must learn to tarry on.

Yes I am starting to feel stronger. I may never be the same, but I have come to understand that I never want to go back to that place anyway. I have learned so much through this journey. I have learned more about myself in the past couple of years than I had my entire adult life. I am better for it and I am grateful for the blessings in my life. Life is so much better when you can stop and really smell the roses and take in all the beauty that is too often hidden from the rest of the world. I do believe that I see hope on the horizon.